How to Manage Expectations for More Peace & A Sense of Freedom

We all have expectations in life — about ourselves, others, and the world around us.  (In the past few months, I’ve had a few expectations which weren’t met – and I had to adjust them in order to manage initial frustrations, while still getting the best outcome possible.) 

And while sometimes expectations can drive us to achieve great things, other times they leave us feeling disappointed or frustrated.  So, what’s the deal with expectations, and how do they influence the life we live?  We’ll now discuss what expectations are, why they matter, and how managing them can help you live your Best Life.

Expectations are the beliefs or assumptions we have about how things should be.  They might be about how your career should unfold, how others should behave, or even how your day should go.  These expectations are often shaped by past experiences, social influences, and the goals we set for ourselves.  For example, you might expect to get a promotion at work after putting in a lot of effort, or you might expect to have a perfect, relaxing weekend.  

A perfect example of expectations happened to me yesterday. I had all these plans to leave for the Gold Coast (Queensland, Australia) early, so I could do some filming for my business. I had a list of things I could do some short videos for - I put make-up on - packed my selfie-stick - and left on time. However, I expected to arrive with plenty of time, ready to go to the park, and start filming. What I hadn't expected was it took me over 1.5 hours to get there, in stop/start traffic (which requires a lot of concentration and energy), and it was so hot my makeup was dripping down my face. 🙄 Did I look fantastic, with dripping makeup? No. Did I feel rested, and ready to record? Absolutely not. So what did I do? Well, I realised that I'd just uploaded this blog post on expectations, and this was a great real-life example of it! So, I grabbed my self-stick (who knew I'd ever get one of them? 😆), and I started filming! Red face? Check. Drippy? Check. Makeup all over the place? Yep. And no, I haven't been game to check out the video yet, but I do plan to upload it. Part of being visible, right? 🤪

So that's one example of what can happen when things don’t turn out the way we expect.  (Because Real Life doesn’t always follow our expectations, right?)  That’s where the challenge begins.

When things go as expected, life feels easy and satisfying.  But when our expectations are not met, the emotional toll can be heavy (depending on your mindset).  Disappointment, frustration, anger, or even sadness can quickly follow, depending on the circumstances, and your expectations and adaptability.  And if we face repeated disappointments, we might start to feel discouraged, or lose hope (which also happened to me recently, in the form of multiple tech issues over a week - it felt like most of my tech broke within a short time).

Another example was when I went on holiday for a few weeks to Thailand recently, and I had a few expectations around it.  Unfortunately, on the way, I injured my knee.  So all the walking and hiking I had planned?  Most of that went out the window.  I’d also planned for one of the friends also going to take a few photos, for my website etc.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t planned on the humidity frizzing my hair, and motorbike wind tangling my hair so badly that I had to wear plaits to try to tame it (thus looking and feeling like a young girl).  And with my knee, I couldn’t really get where I wanted to go.  So that also didn’t really go according to plan.  (The one thing that did go according to plan was that I was able to complete some training courses which I was losing access to, so I was happy about that!  😊)

And if expectations aren’t met?  How we respond is incredibly important.  Our response is what makes the difference between it being ok, or really allowing it to get us down.  

This Thailand trip also reinforced how important it is to be flexible, and adaptable.  Luckily I was mostly able to adapt, without too much upset.  (Our blog post Why Adaptability is One of the Secrets to Reducing Stress covers this as well.)  However, when you make plans with other people, not everyone is always on the same page.  So in addition to being adaptable, communication is also important.  (I’ll be writing a blog on this as well.)

If our expectations are unrealistic, or too rigid, we set ourselves up for stress, negative emotions, and feeling let down.  This is especially true if we expect perfection from ourselves or others (not recommended, as nobody is perfect, and it just puts a lot of stress on ourselves/others).  And yes, a lot of people in society feel the pressure to be ‘perfect’ (I did too) – however, it’s not reasonable, and not helpful.  So I’m now letting that go (and yes, it’s a journey).

On the flip side, when we don’t have clear expectations, life can feel chaotic and aimless. So, finding the right balance between holding onto expectations, and allowing life to unfold is key to emotional peace and happiness.

So, how do expectations tie into living your Best Life?   

It all depends on how you manage them.

1. Expectations Drive You, but Don’t Let Them Define You

Expectations can be a powerful motivator - they help you set goals, stay focused, and push yourself to grow.  For example, expecting yourself to work hard at your job, or pursue a healthy lifestyle can help you stay on track and create positive habits.  (I used the expectation that I would finish my courses in Thailand to drive me to finish the courses.)  However, it’s important to make sure your expectations don’t turn into self-criticism or stress, as this is not helpful (in the short or the long-term).

If you have high expectations, but constantly fall short of them, it’s easy to get caught in a cycle of self-doubt.  Living your Best Life doesn’t mean you always meet every expectation you set — it means being compassionate with yourself when things don’t go according to plan.  Life is messy, and embracing the imperfections is part of living fully.

2. Managing Expectations Leads to Greater Peace

When we let go of rigid or unrealistic expectations, we free ourselves from unnecessary pressure.  Imagine a day where you let go of needing everything to go perfectly - you accept that there will be ups and downs, and you roll with it.  You allow room for surprises, mistakes, and unexpected joy.  This can feel incredibly freeing.

One way to start this is to start with one expectation, and see how you feel about allowing it to be more flexible – and the consequences of that.  For example, if you have loud flatmates, rather than continually asking them to be quiet while trying to sleep, you could instead play meditative music to help drown out the noise, and go to bed later.

By managing your expectations, you create space for happiness even when things don’t go as planned.  Instead of focusing on the disappointment (or the noise), you start to notice the small wins (meditative music calms you down) and the lessons learned along the way (some people won’t change no matter what you say or do).  

3. Expectations Shape Relationships

Expectations also play a huge role in how we interact with others.  We might expect people to behave a certain way, like always being supportive or thoughtful.  (I know I’ve had certain expectations around flatmates eg that they consider other people trying to sleep, clean up after themselves, etc. that other people don’t consider important at all.) 

When our expectations aren’t met, it can lead to conflict, hurt feelings, or frustration.  (And yes, communication can help here – however when the expectations just don’t align, it doesn’t work very well.)

To live your Best Life, it’s important to have realistic expectations for others (keeping mind that what is important to you, may be of absolutely no consequence to others).  It’s a matter of working with others to set expectations that can work for each of you (if possible).  And keeping in mind that it may take a bit of give and take to get expectations that work for each of you – and yes, it can be difficult, however, when you let go of firm expectations for how others ‘should’ act, you create healthier, more understanding relationships.  You become more accepting - which can open the door for deeper connections, and more peace in your life.

Now that we’ve covered how expectations impact our emotional well-being and happiness, how can we manage them better?   There are a few practical steps to help below.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

It’s great to have goals, but be sure they’re achievable.  Ask yourself: Are these expectations based on reality?  Are they flexible enough to allow for setbacks or changes?  Do they make you feel a little excited, or just downright scared, secretly thinking you’ll never make them?

The more realistic your expectations, the less likely you’ll be disappointed when life doesn’t unfold exactly as planned.  (And the more likely your nervous system will be ok – a little outside of your comfort zone can be great – however, if it’s too much, your nervous system will usually pull you back into your comfort zone.  Our blog The Surprising Way Scarcity and Abundance Shape Your Physical State discusses this a little more.)

2. Practice Gratitude for the Present Moment

One of the best ways to shift your mindset is by practicing gratitude.  Instead of focusing on unmet expectations, take a moment to appreciate what you do have.  Notice the small wins (someone smiled at you), the beauty in everyday moments (the flower just opening up, with the sun shining on it), and the lessons you’re learning along the way (relax a little, not everything bad you think will happen).  

Gratitude grounds you in the present, reducing the pressure to constantly meet expectations.  It’s also great to refocus your mind on something positive, which is much more beneficial (for your mind, body, and soul) than focusing something negative.  (Our blog post Mindful Gratitude: Being Present with What You Have covers this in more detail.  Our Walking into Wellness with Gratitude Guide can also help with this.)

3. Be Open to Change

Living your Best Life often means being open to unexpected opportunities and changes.  If you’re too firm in your expectations, you might miss out on amazing things that come your way.  

Stay open to surprises and be willing to let life unfold as it will.  (We have blog post Why Adaptability is One of the Secrets to Reducing Stress which goes into this.)

4. Be Kind to Yourself (and Others)

Remember, nobody is perfect — including you.  If you fall short of your expectations, treat yourself with a little grace and kindness.  The same goes for others — adjust your expectations, and embrace the humanity in everyone.  

A little grace and kindness creates a sense of peace and acceptance that leads to greater happiness.  (More on this can be found here:  Handle Conflict Gracefully - Simple Tools That Work.)

Expectations, in and of themselves, are not bad.  In fact, they’re necessary to help you set goals, stay motivated, and create the life you want.  Managing your expectations, in a way that works for you, is the important part. 

To live your Best Life, focus on being realistic (stretch yourself in small stages), compassionate, and open to the unexpected.  When you can let go of some of your stronger expectations, and embrace life as it is, you’ll find peace, joy, and fulfillment along the way.

It’s good to check whether your expectations are helping you grow, or holding you back.  Journaling can help with this, or speaking with a close trusted confidant.

Start adjusting some of your expectations with kindness, and watch how much lighter and more fulfilling life becomes.

1.  Why do expectations cause stress and disappointment?
Expectations can create pressure, especially when we expect things to turn out a certain way. When life doesn’t meet these expectations, it can lead to stress, disappointment, and frustration.  The key is learning to adjust expectations, and embrace life’s unpredictability.

2.  How can I shift my mindset about expectations?
Start by questioning whether your expectations are realistic, or too rigid.  Try to focus on what is happening in the present moment rather than what you expected to happen.  Practicing gratitude and being kind to yourself when things don't go as planned can also help.

3.  How can managing my expectations help me feel more at peace?
When you adjust your expectations, you free yourself from the constant pressure of perfection.  By accepting that life doesn’t always go according to plan, you can find peace in the process, and enjoy the present moment, even when things are unexpected.

4.  What’s the difference between healthy expectations and unrealistic ones?
Healthy expectations are flexible, realistic, and allow room for mistakes and surprises. Unrealistic expectations set you up for disappointment, as they demand perfection or an outcome that may not be achievable.  Learning to set realistic, kind expectations is key to emotional balance.

5.  How do I stop feeling let down when my expectations aren’t met?
It’s important to remember that setbacks or things not going according to plan don’t define your worth.  By focusing on the lessons learned, celebrating small wins, and adjusting your perspective, you can find strength in unexpected outcomes, and move forward with grace.

6.  Can managing expectations improve my relationships?
Yes, they can.  When we have more realistic expectations of others, we create space for empathy, understanding, and deeper connection.  Letting go of the ‘shoulds’ can help us be more accepting and supportive of others, leading to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

7.  How do I create more balance in my life through expectations?
Start by setting realistic, achievable goals that align with your values.  Be flexible with how you approach them, and remember that balance comes from accepting both the ups and downs.  When you let go of strong expectations, you create space for joy and fulfillment in every part of your life.

Our Walking into Wellness with Gratitude is a great way to bring more gratitude into your life, while helping you relax some stronger expectations. It's an easy, gentle way to help, without making major changes in your life, yet bringing in gratitude, peace, and wellness.

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Related video on my YouTube Channel

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/cui-bono/201802/the-psychology-expectations

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/unrealistic-expectations

The information in this blog post is intended for general guidance and personal reflection.  While managing expectations can be a helpful tool for reducing stress and living a more fulfilling life, everyone’s journey is unique.  If you’re struggling with significant emotional challenges, we encourage you to seek support from a professional.  The ideas shared here are meant to inspire and provide support, but they should not replace professional advice or treatment.  Always take what resonates with you and apply it in a way that feels right for your individual needs.