How to Come Home to Yourself in a World That Wants You to Conform
Jul 30, 2025
Have you ever felt like you're wearing a mask just to get through the day? Saying yes when you want to say no? Smiling when your heart feels heavy? I think most people have done this at some point in their life (including me). You may have been told to ‘buck up’, or ‘you need to smile, it’s polite.’ Some of this is cultural conditioning, so we can get along in society (which is understandable, and useful to a degree - but also harmful in some areas, and to some people). As a result, many of us have learned to shape ourselves to fit in, to please others, or to avoid conflict.
Can you go too far? Be so accommodating that you’ve almost lost yourself? Perhaps you're not quite sure who you are anyway? Or perhaps you’ve wandered so far from who you know you are, and aren’t sure how to get back. Sometimes there’s a quiet inner voice that longs to be real. To be seen, known, and accepted as we are. That’s what authenticity is all about.
So… What Is Authenticity?
Authenticity means being true to who you are — your values, your feelings, your needs, and your dreams. It's not about being perfect. It's not about sharing every thought or feeling with the world. It's about being honest with yourself, and letting your actions and choices reflect the real you — not the version of you that others want or expect.
Alicia Keys wrote about her push to stay authentic when she wrote about her fight to get out of her contract with Columbia Records (due to a change of management and musical direction) in her autobiography, More Myself: A Journey. She felt that in order to stay authentic to herself, she needed to keep her music (and her identity) as it was, rather than change to fit their expectations – and become someone she wasn’t.
In her book More Myself: A Journey, Alisha wrote in relation to her music that ‘I also knew how to write from my soul, my center. Every song we produced was an expression of some aspect of life through my eyes.’ Columbia Records wanted to help her ‘get a more radio-friendly sound.’ Alicia noted it was ‘too late for that.’ She said that she’d ‘gotten used to doing things my way, on my terms, during my private jam sessions with Kerry. No way was I going back into the studio with one of the label’s recommended producers.’ Alicia spoke of the lengthy and difficult time and the financial compensation it took for her to get out of her contract, but she wanted to stay true to herself, to be her authentic self, so she (and others) kept up the fight until they won. ‘At least my music and my image would be authentic to me. At least I would still recognize my own reflection in the mirror.’
(Pages 55-56 of More Myself: A Journey, by Alicia Keys with Michelle Burford, Flatiron Books, 2020.)
Some of the Challenges That Get In the Way
Being authentic can feel scary. It can feel uncomfortable. Especially if you’ve been hiding some of your true self away for a long time. Lots of resistance can come up; a few of the most common struggles are mentioned below. Can you relate to any of these?
- Fear of judgment – ‘What if they don’t like the real me?’
- People-pleasing – ‘I don’t want to upset anyone.’
- Self-doubt – ‘Maybe who I am isn’t good enough.’
- Past experiences – ‘I learned it wasn’t safe to be myself.’
These fears are real, and it’s okay to feel them. But part of living your Best Life is pushing outside of your comfort zone, of doing things that make you uncomfortable. Just because you have a fear, it doesn’t mean it has to run your life. (Have you read the book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers? It’s a brilliant book, I read it many years ago, and it’s a great starting point if fear is holding you back.)
I know I’ve felt each of the emotions and feelings mentioned above. However, a part of me refused to change and conform. It felt like I grew up in two worlds – one was in the world of orienteering, where I felt everybody was 100% purely themselves at all times. The other world was in high school – where I didn’t fit. I didn’t want to do what they were doing, talk about the latest soap on TV, or act differently to get someone’s attention. So I stayed myself – and paid the price. However, I felt that if they didn’t want to be my friends, that was ok. I would rather be by myself than conform to their expectations. As I got older, I was able to mix the two, so I was still myself, but I learned when to keep quiet, and when to just leave the conversation without contributing. Did I get it right all the time? No. But I did get better with practice.
The Benefits of Being Authentic
When you choose to show up as your real self, you feel better. And life begins to shift in some amazing ways.
- You feel lighter, because you’re not carrying around a fake version of yourself.
- You feel more connected, because people get to know the real you.
- You experience more peace, because you’re not constantly second-guessing yourself.
- You build self-trust, because you know you’re not betraying your own needs or values.
- You feel free, aligned, and often more joyful, because you’re finally living from your heart — not from fear.
Yes, it can take time. It takes practice. And some days will be better than other days. But trust me, when you are able to connect with other like-minded authentic people, it is just amazing. You feel so much better – and you get back all that energy that spent being someone that wasn’t the true, authentic you. 😊
How to Start Being More Authentic
You don’t have to change your whole life overnight. You can begin with small, gentle steps.
1. Check In With Yourself
Ask yourself: What do I really feel right now? What do I really need? What do I believe?
Start tuning in to your inner truth — even if you don’t say it out loud at first. You might like to write it in a journal, so you can review it over time for additional insights.
2. Notice Where You Hide
Are there situations where you shrink, pretend, or put on a mask? Get curious about those moments — not with judgment, but with kindness. What do they reveal about yourself? Your likes and dislikes, and how you react? (If you discover you have a bad habit or two, our free Breaking Bad Habits 7-Day Challenge could help you overcome them.)
3. Speak Your Truth (Kindly)
You can be honest and kind. You can try saying things like:
- ‘Actually, I don’t agree with that.’ Or ‘I see it differently.’
- ‘Thanks for the invite, but I need a quiet night.’
- ‘That doesn’t feel right for me, but I’m sure you’ll have fun.’
Your voice matters. And you don’t have to explain or justify your truth (although many people appreciate a softener if possible). It’s a learning process, so you’ll determine what works best for you by trial and error – starting small.
4. Let Go of Who You ‘Should’ Be
Start noticing all the ‘shoulds’ in your life. Whose voice is that? Society’s? A parent’s? An old version of yourself? You don’t have to live by someone else’s rulebook. You are able to consider various beliefs (‘shoulds’), and decide whether you wish to keep that belief, or change it. You are in control of who you are, and you have the power to change – if you want to.
5. Celebrate Your Realness
When you do something that feels truly you — even if it’s small — pause and celebrate. It takes courage to be real, and celebrating each win encourages you to keep going.
The Core Emotions of Authentic Living
When you begin to live authentically, you may feel a mix of emotions.
- Relief – Finally! I don’t have to pretend anymore.
- Fear – What will people think?
- Pride – I stood in my truth.
- Vulnerability – I’m showing parts of myself I used to hide.
- Joy – This is who I really am. And that feels amazing.
All of these are part of the journey. And the more you practice, the more comfortable it becomes.
Authenticity and Living Your Best Life
Living your Best Life isn’t about being the busiest, the happiest, or the most ‘together’ person in the room. It’s about being you. Fully. Unapologetically. Sharing your inner love, truth, and peace with the world.
When you live authentically:
- You attract the right people — those who love the real you.
- You create a life that matches your values — not someone else’s checklist.
- You feel more confident, because you’re living in alignment.
- You stop wasting energy on pretending, and start using that energy to grow, heal, and shine.
And best of all — you give others permission to be real, too.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to ‘be more’ to be worthy - you already are.
You don’t need to fake it to be loved - you’re loveable as you are.
Authenticity isn’t about being loud, rebellious, or always open - it’s about being honest. Gentle. Real.
Your Best Life starts when you say yes to yourself. And remember - the world doesn’t need another copy. It needs you.
🙋 FAQ on Being Authentic
Q - What does it really mean to be authentic?
Being authentic means being true to who you are — your feelings, values, needs, and beliefs. It’s living life in a way that feels honest and real to you, not just following what others expect.
Q - Why is authenticity important?
When you're authentic, you feel more peaceful, confident, and free. You stop pretending, and start living a life that actually feels good on the inside — not just one that looks good on the outside.
Q - Is being authentic the same as oversharing?
No, it is not. Authenticity doesn’t mean telling everyone everything. It means being honest and real in a way that feels safe, kind, and aligned with your values.
Q - Can I still be kind and authentic at the same time?
Absolutely. Authenticity is not about being harsh — it’s about being honest — with care. You can say no or share your truth with gentleness and respect. (Or even just not say anything — sometimes that is the kindest thing to do.) Our free Affirmations - Handling Life with Grace might help you here.
Q - What if people don’t like the real me?
Some might not, and that’s okay. The right people — the ones who are meant to walk beside you — will love the real you. Being authentic helps you build deeper, more meaningful connections with the people who do appreciate you. If you'd like to go a bit deeper, our Friendship Journal is a great way to explore what you really want out of your friendships, and how to approach it.
Q - I’m scared to show the real me. Where do I start?
Start small. Even noticing how you really feel or making one honest choice each day is powerful. Like any skill, being real gets easier the more you practice.
Q - How can I tell if I’m being inauthentic?
If you often feel drained, fake, or disconnected, those might be signs you're hiding parts of yourself. Pay attention to the areas of life where you feel ‘off’ or not quite like yourself.
Q - Does being authentic help with anxiety or stress?
Yes, it can. When you're true to yourself, you're not constantly second-guessing or people-pleasing. That can ease mental pressure, and create more emotional balance.
Q - Can I be authentic and still grow or improve myself?
Definitely. Being authentic doesn’t mean staying stuck — it means growing in ways that feel right to you. True growth comes from a place of self-love, not self-rejection.
Q - How does authenticity help me live my Best Life?
When you're real, your life feels more aligned, meaningful, and joyful. You stop living for others, and start living for your soul. That’s when life starts to feel truly fulfilling.
📚 References/Further Reading
More Myself: A Journey, by Alicia Keys with Michelle Burford, Flatiron Books, 2020.
https://positivepsychology.com/authentic-living/
https://www.verywellmind.com/live-with-authenticity-7483232
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Disclaimer
This blog is for general information and personal reflection only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek support from a qualified mental health professional or coach if you are experiencing deep emotional distress, or need personalized guidance. Every person’s journey is unique — take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.
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