Feel Heard, Seen, and Valued: The Power of Simply Asking
Aug 06, 2025
Have you ever hinted at something you needed, hoping someone would just get it — but they didn’t? Or stayed quiet, even when your heart was screaming, ‘I wish I could just say what I really want!’
I know I’ve felt like this in the past. Many of us find it hard to ask for what we truly want. I suspect part of it is a cultural conditioning – especially for women. There was a strong element of ‘be seen but not heard’ when I was growing up. (I was told that so many times growing up!) It was fairly standard when and where I was brought up, and many other women I’ve spoken with felt or heard the same thing.
Many times, this refrain has carried over into our adult lives – and stops us from fully coming into our own voice, our own truth, and our own power. We worry we’ll come across as selfish, needy, or a burden. However, the truth is that asking for what you want is not selfish — it’s self-honouring. And it’s a big step toward living your Best Life.
Why It’s So Important to Ask
There are a lot of benefits to asking for what you want, such as standing up for yourself (I really want that), or speaking up so you are heard. If you don’t ask, people won’t know, and will just assume you’re ok. But perhaps you’re a bit more invisible than you would like to be. A few more benefits are mentioned below.
š You feel more empowered – You stop waiting, and start taking action.
š You build deeper relationships – People can’t read your mind. When you share openly, you invite connection, discussion, and understanding.
š Your needs are met – Life becomes more aligned, joyful, and fulfilling.
š You show self-respect – You’re saying ‘I matter’ — and that’s a powerful message to yourself and the world.
One example of speaking up and asking when it uncomfortable was found in Alisha Keys’ book More Myself A Journey, in relation to the song ‘Empire State of Mind’, which was hugely successful around the world. This was #1 for five consecutive weeks, and ‘roared across multiple continents, pushing past language barriers’. Alisha wrote that ‘it was such a potent force that it crushed all music in its path, including my own.’ But there were a few hiccups along the way, one of which came down to an uncomfortable ask. And had this ask not taken place, the song may not have had the success that it did.
Jay-Z asked Alisha Keys to record her portion of the song ‘Empire State of Mind’ on her own, as they couldn’t get their schedules to match. She had a cold, but recorded it, and sent it over to him. Jay-Z wasn’t happy with it. Despite the awkwardness (‘I’m reluctant to make a call like that, especially with people I’m fond of.’), he drank a glass of water, thought ‘here goes nothing’ and rang her up. ‘When I asked her to do it over, there was an awkward silence for about 3 seconds. She was like ‘Huh?’ I also asked her to add in some ad-libbing, saying ‘I just think you could cut that one a little better.’ Alisha ‘couldn’t argue. My head cold was so bad that, while I was recording, I’d worked my way through a whole box of Kleenex.’
(Pages 136-138 of More Myself: A Journey, by Alicia Keys with Michelle Burford, Flatiron Books, 2020.)
Common Reasons People Struggle to Ask
If asking for what you want feels hard, that’s okay. Many people grew up learning to stay quiet, to ‘be nice,’ or to put others first (including me). This could be a combination of ‘play with others nicely’, ‘share what you have’, and ‘you’ll only make friends if you’re nice to them.’ All of these statements are true. However, if you take it to heart, then over the years, it could in fact hinder you, if you haven’t learned to stand up for yourself as well. And that can be a challenging learning curve. You’ll make mistakes. (And feel bad, if you’re like me.) That doesn’t mean that you don’t continue – you will improve each time you practice, if you reflect on what you could have done differently. You can also discover how others do it – either by watching, talking with people, or reading a book, listening to a podcast, or doing a course. This is an important skill to learn.
Other reasons you may not ask include a fear rejection, judgment, or being seen as ‘too much.’ All of which I’ve experienced as well. It’s a continuous learning curve – but is definitely worth the effort. Your wants and needs are valid. You have as much right any anyone else to having your needs and wants met. You deserve to be heard — and have your needs and wants met, when possible.
How to Start Asking for What You Want
If you’re new to this, there are a few tips to help you get started gently. It might start slowly, but it gets easier with practice. And the benefits of taking action to ask for what you want, to feel worthy and deserving, are well worth it.
- Get Clear on What You Want
Sometimes we feel something’s missing, but we’re not sure what. If that’s the case, we can take a quiet moment to ask ourselves some questions, to help clarify what we want.
‘What do I need right now?’
‘What would feel supportive, loving, or helpful?’
Writing the answers down can help us really consider the words and feelings, bringing additional clarity to our responses.
- Practice Saying It Out Loud
While saying it out loud might feel awkward at first (that’s normal), the practice helps our mind and body feel what it sounds like, bringing it to our conscious awareness. Notice how the words come out as well – are they whispers? Overly loud and demanding? Angry? Practice until it feels better when you say it – like a clear request.
You can start by asking for what you want to yourself in the mirror (watch your expressions as well), or alternatively writing it in a journal. Either will work, you just need to be clear around what you want, and feel into it. It helps if you use simple words/phrases, similar to the ones below.
‘I would really love…’
‘It would mean a lot to me if…’
‘What I need right now is…’
- Start Small and Safe
Begin with people you trust. For example, asking a friend for a hug, or requesting help with a task. These small wins help build confidence.
- Use ‘I’ Statements
Speak from your heart, without blame or pressure. This helps people see you for you, and what you need – and also helps others not feel as defensive as they could if ‘you’ statements were used. A couple of examples you could use are below, using the ‘I feel…’ and ‘I’d love…’ format.
‘I feel overwhelmed, and could use a bit of help today.’
‘I’d love some quiet time to recharge after work.’
- Accept That the Answer Might Be No — and That’s Okay
Sometimes people can’t give us what we want. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask. Every time you ask, you grow stronger, and more aligned with your own truth. And often, you’ll be surprised by how willing people are to say yes. The more you practice asking, the more aligned and empowered you will feel – and the more you will feel heard, seen, and valued. And sometimes, even if the answer is no, you feel better, because you had the courage to ask for what you wanted.
How This Helps You Live Your Best Life
Your Best Life isn’t about being perfect, or having everything figured out. It’s about being real, empowered, and aligned with what matters most to you.
When you ask for what you want:
- You honour your voice
- You live with intention
- You attract relationships that support the real you
- You create space for more joy, balance, and fulfilment
Asking is an act of self-love. It’s you saying, ‘I am worthy. My needs matter. I am allowed to ask.’
And that is definitely a part of the journey in living your Best Life.
A Gentle Challenge
This week, choose one small thing you want — and ask for it. Maybe it’s help with dinner, a quiet night in, or a listening ear. Just one thing. See how it feels. You might just surprise yourself.
And remember - You are worthy. You are allowed to ask. And your voice is a beautiful part of your journey.
š FAQ - Asking for What You Want
Q - What if I ask and the answer is no?
A - That’s okay. A ‘no’ doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means the other person can’t give that right now. You still honoured yourself by asking — and that’s a win!
Q - How do I know what I actually want?
A - Start by noticing how you feel. Are you tired? Overwhelmed? Longing for connection? Your feelings can point you to what you need. Journaling can also help you find clarity – it’s a safe space to explore you – what you want, what you don’t want, and how you can try new things to be feel heard, and seen, and perhaps get more of what you want.
Q - What if I don’t want to sound demanding or needy?
A - Asking kindly and clearly is not demanding — it’s healthy. Try using ‘I’ statements like, ‘I’d really love some help with this,’ or ‘I’d feel supported if we could talk about this.’
Q - Why is this so hard for me?
A - Many of us grew up being told to be ‘nice,’ ‘quiet,’ or ‘not ask for too much.’ It’s not your fault, and you’re not broken. You’re just learning new, healthy ways to care for yourself.
Q - What if I don’t have anyone to ask right now?
A - Start with self-asking. Give yourself what you can — time, rest, kindness. And look for safe, supportive people or communities (like this one) who want to see you thrive.
Q - Can asking for what I want help me feel more confident?
A - Yes! Every time you speak up for yourself, you strengthen your feeling of self-worth. You’re showing yourself that your voice matters — and that builds real confidence over time.
Q - I feel guilty asking for things. How do I stop?
A - Guilt often comes from old patterns. Try reminding yourself: It’s okay to have needs. I’m allowed to ask. I matter too. Practice makes this easier with time.
Q - What if the other person gets upset when I ask?
A - You can’t control their reaction — but you can stay calm, kind, and true to yourself. If someone is often upset when you ask for things, that might be something to explore further, with support. You could also journal about it – and their reactions as well. What is your relationship with this person like? Is it one-sided, with more giving on your side, and taking on theirs? Or perhaps they were having a bad day? This is an opportunity you can explore to learn – about you, about them, and about your relationship with them. (If it is a friend, our Friendship Journal can help, with 50 journal prompts to help you delve deeper into your friendships (or any relationship really), and what you really want from them, in your heart of hearts.)
Q - Is this about boundaries too?
A - Yes, asking for what you want is a form of setting boundaries. It’s about making space for your needs, not just everyone else’s. It’s letting others (and yourself) know that you, your feelings, and your needs, matter too.
Q - Will this really help me live my Best Life?
A - Absolutely. Living your Best Life includes being true to yourself — and that starts with knowing what you want, and giving yourself permission to ask for it.
š References/Further Reading
Keys, Alicia (with Michelle Burford) (2020), More Myself: A Journey, London: Flatiron Books.
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Disclaimer
This blog is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional advice, therapy, or counselling. Everyone’s journey is different, and what works for one person may not suit another. If you’re struggling with emotional wellbeing or communication challenges, please seek support from a qualified professional. Your wellbeing matters, and you deserve support that feels right for you.
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